I think I think another big part of the problem that I'm having is that I don't really understand myself. that's probably what this blog is going to be, a journey for me to find myself. I know I'm in there somewhere, I just have to figure out who I am. OR maybe that's just the point. maybe I'm not supposed to be able to figure out who I am. True, it would be way more convienient for me because then I'd know where I'm going and what I'm called to do in this life, but then where's the fun in that? where's the mystery and excitement?
I should probably start out by laying down some fundamental facts about myself.
- First, I'm a Christian. I'm working through this day by day and it feels like the better I get at it (if that's even possible) the harder it becomes. I'm currently in Bible College and I think I really am enjoying it. I feel like I'm learning so much about God. The trouble is just being with God.
- I really love people. (I think). I'll explain that a little bit. I love people in the Christian sense that I'm obligated to love and to show to others the actions associated with love but I feel like I wear out with others faster than most people. the problem is that people see me as extremely extroverted and I do think that I have a gift to be able to reach into people's lives just by being joyful in their presence. I really feel blessed in that way but I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to be myself. If I'm having a bad day people make a huge deal about how weird I'm acting. I can't say that this is true for everybody but it definitely is for some. I do get those people who genuinely care and do come alongside me in my time of need. which brings me to my next point
- Lately I feel like my people skills are changing from being majorly inclusive to more personal one-on-one type skills. I love it but it is so much harder to show people my maturity unless I am in a deep personal conversation. I've learned so much about these skills/gifts over the last three weeks, though they've been very challenging. I'v learned to rebuke and be rebuked in righteousness. It's really tough to take it but in this case, at least for me it is even harder to give it. I have a hard time confronting people sometimes and I definitely dislike being mean or harsh. now I see that there is a time for it and that sometimes people need that push in the right direction, I know I have.
- I believe in mentoring. this goes hand in hand with the previous point. This last semester I've learned to be mentored and how to mentor those my age and even some who are older. It's a teriffic experience and I know that those who I call mentors have gotten me through a lot of difficult times when I've needed them.
- I believe that some things are better left undefined. There are lots of things that I know that we as people need to be able to partially wrap our minds around, but there are those things that we will never be able to define, and if you think you have, look again. finding the definition, real definitions to basic essential ideas of humanity is often impossible but the journey and the chase is what is so rewarding and what really counts. Some of these things that I'm talking about are God, Love, Peace, Shalom, Discipline, Joy, The Difference between Joy and Happiness...etc. yes, there are set definitions for all of these, but do they really encompass the whole concept. are you really satisfied with the answer you've been given by Webster, Oxford or Eerdman?
When I was talking to one of the people that I have come to call a mentor (an older student here at school) I expressed an idea or i guess concept that I had formulated to be part of my theology. I had said that I believe that we as people are made in the image of God. true? I believe it. I continued to say that there is always a constant struggle for us to know ourselves. There is also another struggle to know who God is. All of these ideas I believe to be generally true. from these statement I concluded that to get to know God better we have to learn about ourselves, since we bear his image. and to get to know ourselves better we have to learn about God because we are made in his image. But so is everybody else. so... To get to know God I think we can read our Bibles with a proper hermeneutic and in community but we can also learn about God by getting to know others. I also am a big believer in experiencing God thorough non-human creation. (for me personally it's trees. I'm 19 and I could spend everyday swinging in and climbing all around trees. I think God delights in that though, doesn't God delight in everything we do to use the creation that he's given to use as long as we aren't abusing it? I guess this leads to a "pursuit of excellence" discussion like I've been learning about in Ethical Reasoning lately.) continuing on... I see a bit of a construed web between God and people, people and others, people and creation and God and creation. (Isn't that basically the definition of Shalom? what God desires for all of Humanity?) My "mentor" said that what I was saying sounded roughly like the idea of "othering" (which i still have to look up). what I understood was that the idea is to get to know God and ourselves through getting to know others, others who bear his image.
My basic thoughts for now:
I'm tired of being labeled. I try so hard not to label others to the point that it physically wears me out. I'm sick of being a silly little kid who walks like a dinosaur. (one day I was being silly and somehow the idea to walk like a dinosaur came up. I apparently was really really good at it and honestly it was a litte fun to do so I would sometimes walk around dorms like that. sadly I got a label and a reputation that skewed up views of me. I've learned that when people that you are silly they tend to disregard anything of merit that you might say)
This blog is not meant to be a pity party, It's to help me write down my thoughts. here I can lay down my raw emotions and thoughts and just be real. It truely does feel so good.
