Christmas.
The season filled with joy and love.
I have such mixed feelings about it this year.
I really don't feel the love or the joy at all. it's making all of this really, really hard. But I also so badly want to feel it once again. I don't know it I'm looking forward to Christmas. Actually, that's a lie, I know that I'm not looking forward to it. Haha, I thought I was for a second because at Christmas everyone comes together and I'll get to see my friends once again. I realized that I don't want that. I don't want to hear about how wonderful or awful their live have been. The old me would have loved to and then I could meet them where they are. This new corrupted beaten version can't do that. I'm going to Grinch it up this Christmas and work as much as I can. I'm such a hermit. I can't face the world yet. I hope I will be able to someday. Maybe once the pieces that were once my heart and soul can arrange themselves once again. I keep losing hope. Hope. Such a rare commodity these days. Christmas is a time when people band together and find their false sense of hope to find it broken. Not to mention New Years! what a joke... "let's all make resolutions that we're never going to keep, and then hate ourselves even more!" I'm so bitter towards this world I suddenly find myself in. I want to go back to the time when I was in it, but not of it. Please Father, take me from this.
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