The Plan

I need to change my life.  I need to get back in the game and back to actually living.  What I need is a plan

so basically I need money right now.  I want to be back in Abbotsford by the end of February.  to be in the position I want to be in I need about $10,000.  It's less than 3 months so this is going to be a bit of a challenge.  I can have a job pretty soon that will cover $5,000, maybe $6,000 of that if I'm lucky.  it looks like I'm going to need to get another job too, and cut corners pretty badly.

I need the money so that I will have a car, be out of debt, start paying for an apartment/living expenses, and travel costs. 

shoot this is going to be difficult.  I don't really have many of the details worked out, they're all a bit theoretical right now.  Basically I have to stop spending, save tons, optimize what I get for my birthday and Christmas to work for my future and with some luck it just might work.

I guess that's all I've got for now...

Christmas is Coming

Christmas.

The season filled with joy and love.

I have such mixed feelings about it this year.
I really don't feel the love or the joy at all.  it's making all of this really, really hard.  But I also so badly want to feel it once again.  I don't know it I'm looking forward to Christmas.  Actually, that's a lie, I know that I'm not looking forward to it.  Haha, I thought I was for a second because at Christmas everyone comes together and I'll get to see my friends once again.  I realized that I don't want that.  I don't want to hear about how wonderful or awful their live have been.  The old me would have loved to and then I could meet them where they are.  This new corrupted beaten version can't do that.  I'm going to Grinch it up this Christmas and work as much as I can.  I'm such a hermit.  I can't face the world yet. I hope I will be able to someday.  Maybe once the pieces that were once my heart and soul can arrange themselves once again.  I keep losing hope.  Hope.  Such a rare commodity these days.  Christmas is a time when people band together and find their false sense of hope to find it broken.  Not to mention New Years!  what a joke...  "let's all make resolutions that we're never going to keep, and then hate ourselves even more!"  I'm so bitter towards this world I suddenly find myself in.  I want to go back to the time when I was in it, but not of it.  Please Father, take me from this.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I miss you.  I love you.  I hope that you know that.  My world has been torn apart.  I know you know that.  Please answer me this: Why?  I don't understand.  Was this what you wanted?  or a byproduct or cursed chance?

I know you don't understand me and I know you don't understand what this is like for me.  I'm going to tell you even though it pains me, for out of pain I write.  I lived my life you others, always.  I believed that that was why I'm on this Earth.  you have me doubting that.  I lived to see joy in the faces of others and found my joy as we laughed together, as we cried together, as we sang together, as we screamed together.  I always wore my heart on my sleeve.  If I was happy you knew it, if I was sad you knew it.  My mask was my life, painfully and brutally obvious.  How did you miss that?  Didn't you see?  It's obvious you never cared for me because if you had you would have seen my heart and life laid bare before you.  without knowing you stepped on it.  Or did you know?  Was this your intention?  I loved you with a love of purity, honesty and openness.  Why do you hate me?  I'm lost.  Lost in a chamber of my own thoughts.  Every day this plays through my mind and it tortures me.  I have no love, I have no touch, I have no escape.  Please, I beg you, save me from this; save me from myself.  There is no one here for me and nothing here for me.  Know that you have thrown a torch on my life.  One month ago you burnt me and everyday the pain burns it way to my center.  Everyday I fight it but it's futile.  I know I'm not going to win.  By myself I can't.  I call out to my God and he's refused to answer me no matter how hard I pray, no matter the promises, no matter how bare I lay my soul before him.  But tell me friend, how do I lay a charred soul bare?  So I call you my friends, those like you who I loved, and they look to me with love.  They look with love, but not with hands that help.  Everyday I hear, "I understand", "I know", "I miss you too", "I love you too".  But you know what, I'm tired of the lies.  Whether they realize what they say or not it hurts.  You don't understand!!  how could you?!  You have your life, you have your love, you have your joy, all you don't have is me, a small loss.  I've lost it all! It all!  I scrape the dirty grounds of my life to find some sort of scrap and every time I do it withers before me.  No you don't know!  You can think you do, but you don't! Do you know what's it's like to be separated from all that you love? Betrayed and cast out of the place that you love? Doubting yourself and doubting all that you know?  You don't know.  And I pray that you never will because it is hell.  You may miss me too, but not with the intensity.  I live my life on the verge of tears.  Tears of loss and tears of anger for what has been taken from me.  Even as I write this they fill me eyes ready to pour out at the slightest trigger.  I love you.  You say you love me too.  All I can think of is the saying, "you don't know what you've got til it's gone".  That is one of the most true statements I have ever heard.  I've lost so much and it's taken this to realize how much I had.  I knew that my heart was there, but having it ripped from my flesh has made me realize the vast extent of my love.

There is so much chaos and turmoil inside of me and I just can't understand any of this.  I still love you and want the best for you, whoever you are.  I miss you my friend.  Even though I struggle and even though I'm drowning I look to people like Horatio Spafford and sing with him:

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
 When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul."

Peace, Love and Joy be with you my friend.

Glee

Yep, I started watching Glee.

Honestly, half of the time I don't really know what to think.  I love listening to choirs. I find the intertwining of voices to be so beautiful.  But Glee is a bit different. 

I'm really not really a fan of Mr. Schuester.  I don't know why, I just don't like him very much.  I don't like his voice or how his character acts.  It's not that he's 'promiscuous' or anything like that because I LOVE Brittany.  I think she's my favorite part of the show.  She's so funny.  And I also am starting to really like Santana, especially her voice.  I think her and Mercedes should just sing together all the time.  I'd be ok with that. I like how Finn is really dumb.  It always makes me laugh when he agrees with the things that Brittany says.  Brittany just says the best things!

Mr. Schuester: "What's a duet?"
Brittany: "A blanket!"

or how about...

Brittany: "I know, for a while I thought you were a robot."

and then there's...

Santana: "... 'cause Britts and I wants to get our anesthesia on!"
Brittany: "that's totally cool."

Now a know you have to have seen the episodes to actually get these, but they're pretty great if you know what I'm talking about.

Sometimes Rachel annoys be.  Ok, actually all of the time, but so does Kurt.  I try to put myself in their shoes a bit because, seriously, everybody is kind of against them.  The problem is that they make it so easy!  Yes Kurt, we know that you are gay and it is true that that's really difficult in high school, but you can still be nice to people. Oh, and wearing skirts probably doesn't help the image much...  And Rachel, just stop talking, haha!  Don't get me wrong, I love these characters, they just get on my nerves a bit.  But then again they all do except Brittany, and maybe surprisingly Puk.

wow, ok.  I think I'm going to stop talking about Glee.  It's a decent show if you can find the humor in high school drama.  Especially good if you can relate it to people back in your high school.  Enough of this for now.

Bucket List

I've been thinking about making one for a long time now, I just never really sat down to do it.  Due to recent events in my life, I have lots of time.

so here goes...  (these aren't in any order, just as they came to me)

1. Become fluent in Spanish
2. Obtain a PhD
3. Marry an beautiful, passionate Godly woman
4. Adopt a child
5. Attend Loy Krathong in Thialand
6. Tour Israel
7. Visit/study at the Shaolin Monastery
8. Visit every continent
9. Learn to Salsa Dance
10. Learn to Swing Dance
11. Sky Dive
12. Write a book
13. Be involved in a major world event
14. Plan/design/build my own house
15. Live on a different continent for a year
16. Get my dual citizenship (Canada/USA)
17. Learn to play Fur Elise on the piano
18. Learn to play the guitar
19. Backpack across Europe
20. Visit the Pyramids
21. Dig an underground tunnel
22. Be part of a church founding
23. Develop a liking for coffee
24. Travel across Canada with a friend
25. Become friends with a good celebrity
26. Teach English as a second language in a different country
27. Write and Play a good song for somebody
28. Survive a month as a vegetarian
29. Fast for 40 days
30. Sponsor a child
31. Tour Ecuador
32. Fly a plane
33. Bake a 3-foot tall cake
34. Shake hands with future King William
35. Share the gospel with a stranger on a Bus or Plane
36. Learn to sing
37. Provide free living space for someone in need
38. Pick up a hitch hiker
39. Own a Motorcycle 
40. Give the shirt off my back as God leads
41. Give my house to someone who needs it more
42. Find someone who I think truly knows how much I love them.
43. Complete a Marathon
44. Complete a Triathlon

to be continued...

My Two Best Friends

Since I have mentioned them a couple of times and probably will continue to mention them, I've decided to introduce Kurt Friesen and Ashley Plett, my two best friends.

This is Ashley, Kurt and I at College. (in that order).

Kurt

     Even before we were born, Kurt and I were destined to be friends.  Our moms knew each other and were very close friends.  Kurt is 6 months older than me (which unfortunately puts him a grade above me) and we often joke about how we would talk to each other in our mothers' respective wombs when they would be sitting together.  It's actually how we've started some of our testimonies if the other was present.  We grew up together, our whole lives had started to be intertwined from the moment our moms became friends and became a strengthened reality when I popped out on January 10, 1991. 

     Like I said before, our moms were close friends, so it made sense for them to become even closer, now each  having a young baby.  So, Kurt and I were around each other a fair bit when we were younger, at least when I wasn't moving all over the place.  When my dad had leukemia I spent a huge amount of time at the Friesen's house because my mom was often at the hospital supporting my father.  Each summer Kurt and I would go to camp.  for the first couple years we kept on changing camp until at last we found Winkler Bible Camp.  It was loads of fun, my favorite things to do there were Archery, Horseback riding, the ropes course, the climbing wall, having canteen (tuck), playing the huge group games (capture the flag was the best, especially because we were playing it with toilet paper rolls), and chilling in the cabin.  Basically everything about camp I loved.  I would have liked to go back as a counsellor but never did and now it wouldn't give me the money that I need for school.  There was only one year that I went to camp and Kurt didn't.  I think he was in Wisconsin during that time, so I don't think he minded too much.

     Kurt and I didn't go to the same school until the high schools of Portage La Prairie amalgamated  in my grade 10 year (Kurt's grade 11 year).  then we went to the same school and spent 2 years having our lunches at friends' houses and having one class together, Spanish.  Ashley was in that class too.  we all decided to take it because we were going to Mexico that Spring break on a Church mission's trip.  we wanted to be able to communicate a little bit.

    After he graduated, Kurt decided to work for a year to save up his money for school.  He definitely worked all year (outdoor construction in -50 degree Celsius), but I don't think he saved up too much.  Kurt loves to buy all sorts of cool things like skim boards, skateboards, snowboards and all the gear that goes with those, and I think he also bought a car that year.

     The next year Kurt and I set out for Columbia Bible College in September only to be joined by Ashley Plett in the second semester.  All three of us are going back for at least one more year.

     That the short form of our story, I assure you, there is much, much more.

Ashley Plett

     I didn't know Ashley Plett as long I'd known Kurt.  Kurt and I were helping out on a church project called, "The Ridge".  It was eventually supposed to be a kids camp but the project never was completed e to a lack of funds.  Kurt and I were going to play dutch blitz and we wanted two more people  play with us.  We found Big Andrew and Ashley Plett.  I love bringing this story up to Ashley because she was in the hole the entire time.  If I remember correctly, she got to +1 and we quit because it was 2:00am.

   The next year he three of us were buds.  Kurt and I both had a bit of a crush on Ashley, and she had a crush on Kurt.  I know, heart breaker.  Nothing really ever came out of these crushes and we're all still friends today so it's all good.

   The year after that, Ashley hated me.  There was no real reason behind it and she always apologizes whenever it comes up, but she thought she was too mature for me.  We were in grade 9 and most of her friends were her older brother's also so they were older and it went to her head a little and she just decided that she was too good for me.  The first day of grade 10 she came to her senses and we've been super tight ever since.

     Ashley and I are a lot alike, probably even more alike than Kurt and I are.  It's actually kind of crazy.  Other people pick up on this and tell us to date and get married.  Both of us think that it will never happen but acknowledge that we both want spouses who are similar to the other.  We hang out a lot and encourage each other constantly.  I would have probably accomplished far less things in my life if I had not met Ashley Plett.

     The thing is that we've both adopted the unofficial motto of, "Let's make a difference", so if one of us comes up with an idea we tell the other and embark on it together.  We may be very similar, but out brains work quite differently.  I think Ashley would agree that her brain is a little more analytical than mine and my brain operates a little more creatively than hers.  it works perfectly though.  We've spent many hours where I throw out ideas of things we should do and she either approves of them or shuts them down because they're dumb.  I throw out a lot of dumb ideas (although usually I know they are dumb, I just throw out what comes to my head because It helps us come up with other ideas that aren't dumb).  It always used to be her leading and I would always be there to assist.  through her constant encouragement I have become much more of a leader and often help pull her through things.  We're always there, often just a phone call away, whenever the other one is in need, and for that I will always be grateful.

     Throughout or high school years, Ashley and I were like glue, especially in grade 12 when Kurt had already graduated.  we pursued different ways to make a difference, including Big Brothers Big Sisters program and running an OCC shoebox campaign throughout our school.  IT was a terrific year.

     Ashley loves to travel, so when Kurt and I took off to BC for school, she decided to backpack around southern Europe.  She had a friend going with her, but her friend's parents decided the friend wasn't going to go, so Ashley made the decision to continue on alone.  She will tell you  it was worth it and she loved it.  she'll tell you she met some amazing people, had some amazing experiences, saw some amazing sights, but most of all, had some amazing time with just her and God.  I've noticed her personal growth through that experience.  On, or just after, her trip, she decided that she wanted to know more about God and Jesus and the Bible.  She asked me how school was and I told her it was awesome and she decided to check it out for herself.  she enrolled and was at school to the second semester.  She is planning on coming back for at least one more year to finish her Biblical Studies diploma

Those (briefly) are the stories of me and my two best friends.

Inspiration

wow, every time I come home from work I feel inspired!  It sucks on those days when it wears off after a sleep and my mind "rationalizes" my way out of whatever my idea was.

I just finished "Blue Like Jazz" two nights ago. wow!  I love the book, I was a little skeptical at first, I didn't want to get my hopes up because everyone was saying it was amazing.  I found I have a different definition of amazing than most people, but in the case of this book, it actually did turn out to be amazing.  Donald Miller writes it so well I think.  As I was reading it I felt like I could relate so well; from the ways he processes his thoughts to the different things he thought were "cool" or got caught up in.  Though it happens very rarely, I found myself actually laughing out loud at some of the things he writes, I found myself caught up in his humor and then being perfectly transitioned into a deep insight that felt very relevant to my faith.  Everything that he's done and experienced and his undeniable emphasis on love and living your faith, not just preaching it struck a very strong chord in my heart..

"Andrew is the one who taught me that what I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do." (pg.110)

I just want to experience the fullness that Miller writes about.  I want my life to mean something, by that I mean I want to be a tool for the Living God.  Someone willing to do whatever he asks, no matter how scary, no matter how hard.

Well, on that note, I read to chapter 11 in "Do Hard Things" today.  Being a teenager and reading the stories of other teenagers defying the expectations placed upon our generation was extraordinarily inspiring.  I so deeply want to help in this movement.  I want to not only defy the low expectations that the establishment has placed upon me, but to also empower others around my age to do the same.  we have so much untapped potential it's ridiculous!  and nobody is going to know what we are capable of if we continue to sink to what people have come to expect of us.  I think it's pathetic that I get dirty looks when I walk down the street just because I'm 19.  I've done nothing wrong, so please stop judging me.  Maybe if so many store owners didn't expect teens to shoplift there wouldn't be as many that do.  It's been shown time and time again that if others have placed expectations on your head, either high expectations or low ones, people will generally rise or sink to those expectations.  we've been set up to fail.  I've thought this for a very long time and I'm very glad that I found this book. actually I got it from my grandparents, thanks grandma and grandpa!  It's awesome to find that there is a Rebolution movement (rebolution is a word made up my Alex and Brett Harris (the authors) that basically means teens rebelling against low expectations).  I know that I can't wait to finish this book and suggest both of these books to my friends and family.

It also helps to inspire me when the sun is out.  Yesterday was an amazing day.  I got off work and went to the Island in the middle of my town to read, pray, type and meditate.  It was so beautiful I was energized on the gorgeousness of God's creation.  I stayed there for almost 2 hours and decided to go to Ashley Plett's house.  I drove over, woke her up, gave her some music, she gave me breakfast, and then we jumped into her pool.  The refreshing cool of the water was heavenly against my skin.  I love swimming.  then i pulled the trampoline next to the pool and we had a blast until she had to go to work.  I then went back into Portage, found Ashton, another good friend of mine, and went back to Ashley's pool with Slurpees and hot dogs and spent the day there until about 2:45, at which point we were both starting to burn and I had to get some sleep before work that night.  I went to my grandma's house and had a wonderful chat with her and then went home and slept until it was time for work.  I loved that day and I hope for many more like it this summer. 

I've realized that what I get out of an experience largely depends on what I put into it and what I expect to get out of it.  ya know, that's a lot like teenagers.  maybe if adults would put more into the kids of today and expect them to succeed and help them succeed, then they would succeed!  gah!  now there's an idea! ;)