The Plan

I need to change my life.  I need to get back in the game and back to actually living.  What I need is a plan

so basically I need money right now.  I want to be back in Abbotsford by the end of February.  to be in the position I want to be in I need about $10,000.  It's less than 3 months so this is going to be a bit of a challenge.  I can have a job pretty soon that will cover $5,000, maybe $6,000 of that if I'm lucky.  it looks like I'm going to need to get another job too, and cut corners pretty badly.

I need the money so that I will have a car, be out of debt, start paying for an apartment/living expenses, and travel costs. 

shoot this is going to be difficult.  I don't really have many of the details worked out, they're all a bit theoretical right now.  Basically I have to stop spending, save tons, optimize what I get for my birthday and Christmas to work for my future and with some luck it just might work.

I guess that's all I've got for now...

Christmas is Coming

Christmas.

The season filled with joy and love.

I have such mixed feelings about it this year.
I really don't feel the love or the joy at all.  it's making all of this really, really hard.  But I also so badly want to feel it once again.  I don't know it I'm looking forward to Christmas.  Actually, that's a lie, I know that I'm not looking forward to it.  Haha, I thought I was for a second because at Christmas everyone comes together and I'll get to see my friends once again.  I realized that I don't want that.  I don't want to hear about how wonderful or awful their live have been.  The old me would have loved to and then I could meet them where they are.  This new corrupted beaten version can't do that.  I'm going to Grinch it up this Christmas and work as much as I can.  I'm such a hermit.  I can't face the world yet. I hope I will be able to someday.  Maybe once the pieces that were once my heart and soul can arrange themselves once again.  I keep losing hope.  Hope.  Such a rare commodity these days.  Christmas is a time when people band together and find their false sense of hope to find it broken.  Not to mention New Years!  what a joke...  "let's all make resolutions that we're never going to keep, and then hate ourselves even more!"  I'm so bitter towards this world I suddenly find myself in.  I want to go back to the time when I was in it, but not of it.  Please Father, take me from this.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I miss you.  I love you.  I hope that you know that.  My world has been torn apart.  I know you know that.  Please answer me this: Why?  I don't understand.  Was this what you wanted?  or a byproduct or cursed chance?

I know you don't understand me and I know you don't understand what this is like for me.  I'm going to tell you even though it pains me, for out of pain I write.  I lived my life you others, always.  I believed that that was why I'm on this Earth.  you have me doubting that.  I lived to see joy in the faces of others and found my joy as we laughed together, as we cried together, as we sang together, as we screamed together.  I always wore my heart on my sleeve.  If I was happy you knew it, if I was sad you knew it.  My mask was my life, painfully and brutally obvious.  How did you miss that?  Didn't you see?  It's obvious you never cared for me because if you had you would have seen my heart and life laid bare before you.  without knowing you stepped on it.  Or did you know?  Was this your intention?  I loved you with a love of purity, honesty and openness.  Why do you hate me?  I'm lost.  Lost in a chamber of my own thoughts.  Every day this plays through my mind and it tortures me.  I have no love, I have no touch, I have no escape.  Please, I beg you, save me from this; save me from myself.  There is no one here for me and nothing here for me.  Know that you have thrown a torch on my life.  One month ago you burnt me and everyday the pain burns it way to my center.  Everyday I fight it but it's futile.  I know I'm not going to win.  By myself I can't.  I call out to my God and he's refused to answer me no matter how hard I pray, no matter the promises, no matter how bare I lay my soul before him.  But tell me friend, how do I lay a charred soul bare?  So I call you my friends, those like you who I loved, and they look to me with love.  They look with love, but not with hands that help.  Everyday I hear, "I understand", "I know", "I miss you too", "I love you too".  But you know what, I'm tired of the lies.  Whether they realize what they say or not it hurts.  You don't understand!!  how could you?!  You have your life, you have your love, you have your joy, all you don't have is me, a small loss.  I've lost it all! It all!  I scrape the dirty grounds of my life to find some sort of scrap and every time I do it withers before me.  No you don't know!  You can think you do, but you don't! Do you know what's it's like to be separated from all that you love? Betrayed and cast out of the place that you love? Doubting yourself and doubting all that you know?  You don't know.  And I pray that you never will because it is hell.  You may miss me too, but not with the intensity.  I live my life on the verge of tears.  Tears of loss and tears of anger for what has been taken from me.  Even as I write this they fill me eyes ready to pour out at the slightest trigger.  I love you.  You say you love me too.  All I can think of is the saying, "you don't know what you've got til it's gone".  That is one of the most true statements I have ever heard.  I've lost so much and it's taken this to realize how much I had.  I knew that my heart was there, but having it ripped from my flesh has made me realize the vast extent of my love.

There is so much chaos and turmoil inside of me and I just can't understand any of this.  I still love you and want the best for you, whoever you are.  I miss you my friend.  Even though I struggle and even though I'm drowning I look to people like Horatio Spafford and sing with him:

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
 When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul."

Peace, Love and Joy be with you my friend.

Glee

Yep, I started watching Glee.

Honestly, half of the time I don't really know what to think.  I love listening to choirs. I find the intertwining of voices to be so beautiful.  But Glee is a bit different. 

I'm really not really a fan of Mr. Schuester.  I don't know why, I just don't like him very much.  I don't like his voice or how his character acts.  It's not that he's 'promiscuous' or anything like that because I LOVE Brittany.  I think she's my favorite part of the show.  She's so funny.  And I also am starting to really like Santana, especially her voice.  I think her and Mercedes should just sing together all the time.  I'd be ok with that. I like how Finn is really dumb.  It always makes me laugh when he agrees with the things that Brittany says.  Brittany just says the best things!

Mr. Schuester: "What's a duet?"
Brittany: "A blanket!"

or how about...

Brittany: "I know, for a while I thought you were a robot."

and then there's...

Santana: "... 'cause Britts and I wants to get our anesthesia on!"
Brittany: "that's totally cool."

Now a know you have to have seen the episodes to actually get these, but they're pretty great if you know what I'm talking about.

Sometimes Rachel annoys be.  Ok, actually all of the time, but so does Kurt.  I try to put myself in their shoes a bit because, seriously, everybody is kind of against them.  The problem is that they make it so easy!  Yes Kurt, we know that you are gay and it is true that that's really difficult in high school, but you can still be nice to people. Oh, and wearing skirts probably doesn't help the image much...  And Rachel, just stop talking, haha!  Don't get me wrong, I love these characters, they just get on my nerves a bit.  But then again they all do except Brittany, and maybe surprisingly Puk.

wow, ok.  I think I'm going to stop talking about Glee.  It's a decent show if you can find the humor in high school drama.  Especially good if you can relate it to people back in your high school.  Enough of this for now.

Bucket List

I've been thinking about making one for a long time now, I just never really sat down to do it.  Due to recent events in my life, I have lots of time.

so here goes...  (these aren't in any order, just as they came to me)

1. Become fluent in Spanish
2. Obtain a PhD
3. Marry an beautiful, passionate Godly woman
4. Adopt a child
5. Attend Loy Krathong in Thialand
6. Tour Israel
7. Visit/study at the Shaolin Monastery
8. Visit every continent
9. Learn to Salsa Dance
10. Learn to Swing Dance
11. Sky Dive
12. Write a book
13. Be involved in a major world event
14. Plan/design/build my own house
15. Live on a different continent for a year
16. Get my dual citizenship (Canada/USA)
17. Learn to play Fur Elise on the piano
18. Learn to play the guitar
19. Backpack across Europe
20. Visit the Pyramids
21. Dig an underground tunnel
22. Be part of a church founding
23. Develop a liking for coffee
24. Travel across Canada with a friend
25. Become friends with a good celebrity
26. Teach English as a second language in a different country
27. Write and Play a good song for somebody
28. Survive a month as a vegetarian
29. Fast for 40 days
30. Sponsor a child
31. Tour Ecuador
32. Fly a plane
33. Bake a 3-foot tall cake
34. Shake hands with future King William
35. Share the gospel with a stranger on a Bus or Plane
36. Learn to sing
37. Provide free living space for someone in need
38. Pick up a hitch hiker
39. Own a Motorcycle 
40. Give the shirt off my back as God leads
41. Give my house to someone who needs it more
42. Find someone who I think truly knows how much I love them.
43. Complete a Marathon
44. Complete a Triathlon

to be continued...

My Two Best Friends

Since I have mentioned them a couple of times and probably will continue to mention them, I've decided to introduce Kurt Friesen and Ashley Plett, my two best friends.

This is Ashley, Kurt and I at College. (in that order).

Kurt

     Even before we were born, Kurt and I were destined to be friends.  Our moms knew each other and were very close friends.  Kurt is 6 months older than me (which unfortunately puts him a grade above me) and we often joke about how we would talk to each other in our mothers' respective wombs when they would be sitting together.  It's actually how we've started some of our testimonies if the other was present.  We grew up together, our whole lives had started to be intertwined from the moment our moms became friends and became a strengthened reality when I popped out on January 10, 1991. 

     Like I said before, our moms were close friends, so it made sense for them to become even closer, now each  having a young baby.  So, Kurt and I were around each other a fair bit when we were younger, at least when I wasn't moving all over the place.  When my dad had leukemia I spent a huge amount of time at the Friesen's house because my mom was often at the hospital supporting my father.  Each summer Kurt and I would go to camp.  for the first couple years we kept on changing camp until at last we found Winkler Bible Camp.  It was loads of fun, my favorite things to do there were Archery, Horseback riding, the ropes course, the climbing wall, having canteen (tuck), playing the huge group games (capture the flag was the best, especially because we were playing it with toilet paper rolls), and chilling in the cabin.  Basically everything about camp I loved.  I would have liked to go back as a counsellor but never did and now it wouldn't give me the money that I need for school.  There was only one year that I went to camp and Kurt didn't.  I think he was in Wisconsin during that time, so I don't think he minded too much.

     Kurt and I didn't go to the same school until the high schools of Portage La Prairie amalgamated  in my grade 10 year (Kurt's grade 11 year).  then we went to the same school and spent 2 years having our lunches at friends' houses and having one class together, Spanish.  Ashley was in that class too.  we all decided to take it because we were going to Mexico that Spring break on a Church mission's trip.  we wanted to be able to communicate a little bit.

    After he graduated, Kurt decided to work for a year to save up his money for school.  He definitely worked all year (outdoor construction in -50 degree Celsius), but I don't think he saved up too much.  Kurt loves to buy all sorts of cool things like skim boards, skateboards, snowboards and all the gear that goes with those, and I think he also bought a car that year.

     The next year Kurt and I set out for Columbia Bible College in September only to be joined by Ashley Plett in the second semester.  All three of us are going back for at least one more year.

     That the short form of our story, I assure you, there is much, much more.

Ashley Plett

     I didn't know Ashley Plett as long I'd known Kurt.  Kurt and I were helping out on a church project called, "The Ridge".  It was eventually supposed to be a kids camp but the project never was completed e to a lack of funds.  Kurt and I were going to play dutch blitz and we wanted two more people  play with us.  We found Big Andrew and Ashley Plett.  I love bringing this story up to Ashley because she was in the hole the entire time.  If I remember correctly, she got to +1 and we quit because it was 2:00am.

   The next year he three of us were buds.  Kurt and I both had a bit of a crush on Ashley, and she had a crush on Kurt.  I know, heart breaker.  Nothing really ever came out of these crushes and we're all still friends today so it's all good.

   The year after that, Ashley hated me.  There was no real reason behind it and she always apologizes whenever it comes up, but she thought she was too mature for me.  We were in grade 9 and most of her friends were her older brother's also so they were older and it went to her head a little and she just decided that she was too good for me.  The first day of grade 10 she came to her senses and we've been super tight ever since.

     Ashley and I are a lot alike, probably even more alike than Kurt and I are.  It's actually kind of crazy.  Other people pick up on this and tell us to date and get married.  Both of us think that it will never happen but acknowledge that we both want spouses who are similar to the other.  We hang out a lot and encourage each other constantly.  I would have probably accomplished far less things in my life if I had not met Ashley Plett.

     The thing is that we've both adopted the unofficial motto of, "Let's make a difference", so if one of us comes up with an idea we tell the other and embark on it together.  We may be very similar, but out brains work quite differently.  I think Ashley would agree that her brain is a little more analytical than mine and my brain operates a little more creatively than hers.  it works perfectly though.  We've spent many hours where I throw out ideas of things we should do and she either approves of them or shuts them down because they're dumb.  I throw out a lot of dumb ideas (although usually I know they are dumb, I just throw out what comes to my head because It helps us come up with other ideas that aren't dumb).  It always used to be her leading and I would always be there to assist.  through her constant encouragement I have become much more of a leader and often help pull her through things.  We're always there, often just a phone call away, whenever the other one is in need, and for that I will always be grateful.

     Throughout or high school years, Ashley and I were like glue, especially in grade 12 when Kurt had already graduated.  we pursued different ways to make a difference, including Big Brothers Big Sisters program and running an OCC shoebox campaign throughout our school.  IT was a terrific year.

     Ashley loves to travel, so when Kurt and I took off to BC for school, she decided to backpack around southern Europe.  She had a friend going with her, but her friend's parents decided the friend wasn't going to go, so Ashley made the decision to continue on alone.  She will tell you  it was worth it and she loved it.  she'll tell you she met some amazing people, had some amazing experiences, saw some amazing sights, but most of all, had some amazing time with just her and God.  I've noticed her personal growth through that experience.  On, or just after, her trip, she decided that she wanted to know more about God and Jesus and the Bible.  She asked me how school was and I told her it was awesome and she decided to check it out for herself.  she enrolled and was at school to the second semester.  She is planning on coming back for at least one more year to finish her Biblical Studies diploma

Those (briefly) are the stories of me and my two best friends.

Inspiration

wow, every time I come home from work I feel inspired!  It sucks on those days when it wears off after a sleep and my mind "rationalizes" my way out of whatever my idea was.

I just finished "Blue Like Jazz" two nights ago. wow!  I love the book, I was a little skeptical at first, I didn't want to get my hopes up because everyone was saying it was amazing.  I found I have a different definition of amazing than most people, but in the case of this book, it actually did turn out to be amazing.  Donald Miller writes it so well I think.  As I was reading it I felt like I could relate so well; from the ways he processes his thoughts to the different things he thought were "cool" or got caught up in.  Though it happens very rarely, I found myself actually laughing out loud at some of the things he writes, I found myself caught up in his humor and then being perfectly transitioned into a deep insight that felt very relevant to my faith.  Everything that he's done and experienced and his undeniable emphasis on love and living your faith, not just preaching it struck a very strong chord in my heart..

"Andrew is the one who taught me that what I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do." (pg.110)

I just want to experience the fullness that Miller writes about.  I want my life to mean something, by that I mean I want to be a tool for the Living God.  Someone willing to do whatever he asks, no matter how scary, no matter how hard.

Well, on that note, I read to chapter 11 in "Do Hard Things" today.  Being a teenager and reading the stories of other teenagers defying the expectations placed upon our generation was extraordinarily inspiring.  I so deeply want to help in this movement.  I want to not only defy the low expectations that the establishment has placed upon me, but to also empower others around my age to do the same.  we have so much untapped potential it's ridiculous!  and nobody is going to know what we are capable of if we continue to sink to what people have come to expect of us.  I think it's pathetic that I get dirty looks when I walk down the street just because I'm 19.  I've done nothing wrong, so please stop judging me.  Maybe if so many store owners didn't expect teens to shoplift there wouldn't be as many that do.  It's been shown time and time again that if others have placed expectations on your head, either high expectations or low ones, people will generally rise or sink to those expectations.  we've been set up to fail.  I've thought this for a very long time and I'm very glad that I found this book. actually I got it from my grandparents, thanks grandma and grandpa!  It's awesome to find that there is a Rebolution movement (rebolution is a word made up my Alex and Brett Harris (the authors) that basically means teens rebelling against low expectations).  I know that I can't wait to finish this book and suggest both of these books to my friends and family.

It also helps to inspire me when the sun is out.  Yesterday was an amazing day.  I got off work and went to the Island in the middle of my town to read, pray, type and meditate.  It was so beautiful I was energized on the gorgeousness of God's creation.  I stayed there for almost 2 hours and decided to go to Ashley Plett's house.  I drove over, woke her up, gave her some music, she gave me breakfast, and then we jumped into her pool.  The refreshing cool of the water was heavenly against my skin.  I love swimming.  then i pulled the trampoline next to the pool and we had a blast until she had to go to work.  I then went back into Portage, found Ashton, another good friend of mine, and went back to Ashley's pool with Slurpees and hot dogs and spent the day there until about 2:45, at which point we were both starting to burn and I had to get some sleep before work that night.  I went to my grandma's house and had a wonderful chat with her and then went home and slept until it was time for work.  I loved that day and I hope for many more like it this summer. 

I've realized that what I get out of an experience largely depends on what I put into it and what I expect to get out of it.  ya know, that's a lot like teenagers.  maybe if adults would put more into the kids of today and expect them to succeed and help them succeed, then they would succeed!  gah!  now there's an idea! ;)

Blah, I still suck at Summer!

So many goals and so many aspirations, and now, too many plans going through my head.  I realize that I just don't have enough time to do it all, but when else?  There's school for eight months of the year, and parents like school, and then I'm stuck with summer where I have to work all the time to pay for school.  now don't get me wrong, I love school, that's why I'm on student council this coming year (I go to school at Columbia Bible College in Abbotsford BC, Canada).  But really!  I get myself involved in so much at school that I don't really have time for anything else.  And on top of stupid summer and school, I have a decent amount of debt built up from school and there's no way I'm able to work it off in the Summers and I don't have time during the rest of the year.  ya know, I kinda just want to become a beach bum in California and work for some board shop or be a waiter on a cruise, or anything really.

I do really want to go to California soon.  I've spotted the ideal time and it's this Summer right before going back to school. I don't think it will be an overly expensive trip and I'm young, I have plenty of time to work off debt right? I sure hope so...  I plan to fly into LA around August 23 and possibly stay in a hotel that night.  the rest of the time I think I'd just like to sleep in a tent, hostels if I can find them, and the SUV that a friend it probably bringing.  the plan is that I fly in possibly with another school friend and meet a friend or two in the SUV (who will drive down from BC).  meet up that night hopefully, and then do whatever for the next 4 or 5 days until we have to start driving back north.  or...  we could start driving up earlier and make some stops along the way.  I was actually inspired to plan this little trip after listening to Katy Perry and Snoop's song 'California Gurls'.  Cali Girls are unforgettable you know! ;)  Well, I'm super excited about this trip, and I'm going to try and force it to go through, but I know guys my age have a tendency to mess up plans and have everyone drop out.  I don't want that happening.  and you know, while I'm at it, why don't I just go and start making more plans!  (blah, too much in my head)  this one came about at about 2:00am in a Tim Horton's in our town.  Maybe, just maybe, I won't move back home to 'friendly Manitoba' next summer!  bam!  Well for me that's huge, for some probably not as much of a big deal, but for me, like i said, huge!  I've never really been independent on a large scale before, sure, I moved 3 provinces away to go to school, but everything's taken care of at school, so I don't count that.  I've went on two, two week long mission trips to Lima, Peru but it was perfectly safe and i was in groups all the time, and again, everything I needed was taken care off for me!  I'll turn 20 next January and I feel like I have no actual independent life experience.  so...  why not stay in BC for the Summer?  well, I won't be able to live for free at my parents' place and won't have a vehicle, and will probably not make as much money because I've got a really great paying job here at home.  but the way I see it, if I live with a friend or two, or three even, it won't cost any of us a lot of money, If i can nail down a job that I enjoy, possibly they'll let me stay on as part-time for the school year (making money still), and I'll be learning and gaining valuable life experience.  I wouldn't even have to take a full course load if I was living nearby and working, I would be content continuing to learn and finishing whatever programs I want while I figure out what I actually want to do with my life, as a career I mean.  then next summer comes around and I'll still have a place to live, possibly could buy a vehicle, and will have built a life (a student's life mind you) for myself!  I guess I should look at jobs second semester and if I find something, I'll consider putting this plan into motion.  I have so many other plans too, plans for myself (health, fitness, etc.), plans for future house, career plans, social plans for back at school, just too many plans.  I like knowing what I'm doing, but when my plans start to restrict me I don't like it at all...

On a different note, I finished the last 2 books in the "Harry Potter" series, they were actually quite good, especially the last one (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) in my opinion.  It had my imagination going like you wouldn't believe.  I was impressed by her writing as well, I think she manipulated the characters very well, especially Severus Snape!  I'm not sure what to read next, I have 3 more series' to read through this summer and then a stack of other books.  I think I'll read "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller first, then maybe move on to the Chronicles of Narnia series.  sounds like a plan!  (another plan...)

I'm having trouble arranging things still, I think I have the work out thing with my uncle almost figured out  and I've decided to basically move into my Grandma's for the summer. She's closer to work and basically everything except church and it's quieter since I have to sleep during the day (I work the night shift).  but I have to organize meeting with my BBBS little Brothers soon, I worry that they think I've forgotten about them.  I'm just sucking with organizing my time and using it wisely.  Maybe with the lessened distractions that my Gma's house provides I'll get better.  Hopefully.  I need some social time though.  so...  going clubbing with some girls tonight, should be fun. A release at least.

Love the movie Avatar, I saw it a couple times in theaters and I just watched it again last night.  The speech he makes gives me goose bumps.  is that weird?  i hope not, I'll just blame it on my imagination.  I picture myself there about to fly off into the fight for Pandora!  epic. 

That's it.

June 2 - Beautiful

Wow! on Saturday, May 29 there was the most amazing Manitoba Thunderstorm!!! I mean ridiculous!!! The creek next to my house rose at least 4 feet! which, by the way, completely covered a childhood fort of mine that I still love to got to to get away. I wanted to bad to just run around in it, like so incredibly bad... unfortunately I was wearing a suit at the time. It was the prom at my old high school and I was asked to be my friend's escort. so... no rain for me. but I still got to look at it and it was beautiful. :D This might not really seem all that exciting but I've been in BC at school all year where they always have this measly drizzle that they call rain. pfft... I had been looking forward to a downpour all year, and now I fear I've missed it. on a more positive note, prom was good! their theme was "A Fairy Tale Ending" (aka, "happily ever after" as I understand it, haha). Isn't it the best how corny prom names are? I love it, they make me laugh. :) mine was 'A Night in Paris', and no, it wasn't decorated after the reputed 'adult video' is you get my drift. actually it was decently classy. we had a 20 foot tall Eiffel Tower in the room and a nice little park are with a cute swing, and the area with the tables was modelled to look like a french cuisine. I enjoyed it. This year, just like last year almost everyone was gone about halfway through the prom. last year I stayed to the end (12:00) and then went to a bonfire at a friend's house. this year we left at 11:00 because there was literally around 15 people left and we went to a house party on the island. interesting, all I have to say. What happens at a party should probably stay at a party. and I was the DD, (designated driver, not my initials) so don't worry.

I baked something else out of the book, caramel-chocolate brownies. They're ok, super sticky though, love that. and I got the courage to try the ice cream cake that I was reluctant to try!!! my sister said it was good so I grabbed a piece and it was decent! *sigh of relief* I was worried about that one because the ingredients said to use something called 'malted milk powder' which I'd never heard of before and was informed that it's not sold in Canada (apparently). As far as I know Portage doesn't have a specialty baking place to look so I settled for a substitute.

books. I started read "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" and I'm currently at Chapter 13, I'll hopefully work though a lot of it tonight.

at College and Career on Monday we talked about meditation, Christian Meditation. I'm not going to explain what we talked about, but don't worry, it's not sketchy (read Richard Foster's 'Celebration of Discipline') on thing that stuck out though was during the conversation someone made a comment. I think it was Laurel. She said that she once heard someone rhetorically ask if 'busy' stands for Burdened Under Satan's Yoke. That sort of struck a not with me. I'm busy, often times too busy for myself and also too busy to find time to actually be with God. It's like I'm doing all this stuff for God that I've forgotten why I'm doing it, I've said to God, "move over, I don't have time to talk, I have to do this stuff for you!". well, Does God really care about all that? probably. It's good stuff and it's serving those in his image, what's wrong with that? What I need to keep in mind is where my heart's at. Correct that, I know my heart's generally in the right place, I need to make sure that my mind is in the right place.

I still haven't arranged anything with my little brothers or my uncle yet, but I'm planning on doing both tomorrow, I'll go onto facebook right now and contact my uncle... done. and I can call my little brothers tomorrow and arrange stuff. ok, I think this is going to work.

not much else has really happened lately. oh wait, I bought Nair. haha!!! it's the funnest stuff. :P

Finally getting ready for summer!!

Blah!

I finished school in early April, flew home on April 19, started my job on May 1, and now it's almost June and I'm finally getting ready for Summer.
The problem is that as much as I want to be excited about my Summer I feel like it's going to be busy and I'm going to have to do a lot of stuff that I don't want to do. haha, that probably sounds super selfish, but you know the thoughts about Summer! It's my vacation! but I still want to get so much out of it. I think I found a great job that I find very rewarding. I'm a Psychiatric Nursing Assistant, and for confidentiality reasons I'm not going to say where I work to avoid accidentally slipping information that I'm not supposed to. ha! well if that doesn't sound sketchy... :P I work nights and I enjoy it for the most part. I loved working days and interacting with the residents all the time because I love relationships and It's so great being with those people because they have so much to give to the world and so many people can't see past the disabilities far enough to notice that, it's a bit heart breaking. what I love the most about my job is that since it's at night I have a pretty decent amount of spare time compared to what I would have if I worked during the day. This time allows me to read, talk with my co-workers, do nothing, or do a variety of things that may or may not be productive.

I think I'll stop there for a little bit and explain why my thoughts are travelling this way today of all days.

Basically, I've been procrastinating on carrying out my summer plans and goals until now because I haven't had my books. haha, sounds like a pretty pathetic reason, but those who are procrastinator will probably understand. Any little reason, eh? well... today I got my books back. Now I want to crack down and have a relaxing and also productive summer.

k, well I think I'll make a list of things that I would like to get done this Summer even though most of them probably won't. it's the thought that counts right? pfft...

first on my list, not because it is the most important (it's not the MOST important, but it is very important) but because it will take up the most of my time is working. like I said earlier, I work nights and I work shift work so my schedule is all over the place making it difficult to plan stuff for fear of having to cancel or move it, so instead I'm reluctant to plan anything (until now) so I don't have to cancel or change anything. great logic right? ha!

next is volunteering with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, I lead a "Big Bunch" where I take out kids and do fun stuff, i recommend this for anyone that has the time.

there's also Soccer (every Tuesday and Thursday evening)
I have a whole bunch of reading I want to do (all the books, haha)
I Love to be alone outside at my little get away beside our creek.
I want to volunteer at the YFC drop in center (Monday and Wednesday evenings)
my dad now leads our church's college and career group (proud of him) which kind of obligates me to have a perfect attendance even though I'd probably be there basically everytime anyways.
I need to have time so spend with friends
I have to make sure that I have time with my family and especially my younger siblings,
I have to have "God time" which includes devotions, Bible reading, prayer, meditation, silence and a whole plethora of other Spiritual disciplines that I would like to work on.
I would like to read my Bible all through this summer.
I would like to learn how to cook and bake better. I have a baking recipe book and talked with my mom about pulling a "Julie and Julia" thing and try to do them all this summer. so far I've tried 2 of them, one unsuccessful due to missing the proper ingredients and not knowing a proper substitute and the second one I'm scared to try for the exact same reason, haha. I realized that this book was made in the states and not only uses their measurements but also uses ingredients only sold in the US. boo.
oh yeah, I also need to start running again like I did at the beginning of my break (in the glorious stress free time before I had a job or other commitments) and I need to start my work out routine. My uncle, a world champion arm wrestler and personal trainer offered to train me for free and is now just waiting for me to drop in. I'm procrastinating.
oh! I almost forgot, haha, Church! every Sunday morning.

I don't know when I will have time to smush this all together. there are a couple of other things I want to do in the summer, but what I've mentioned here will be fairly consistent over the course of the summer. Luckily, my Best-Friend-Who-is-a-girl Ashley Plett (as compared to my Best-Friend-Who-is-a-boy Kurt Friesen) is going to help me put together a schedule to keep me fairly on track for the summer. If I live through this Summer I will come out much better for it. I have a huge reading list that I want to work through. not wanting to write this list, it's just a stack of books on one side of my dresser that I have yet to read and then once I've read them I will either put them on the other side of the dresser or where they belong, haha.

so far I've finished one that was on the list and one that wasn't but I'm super happy I read it anyways, therefore, now on the reading list and completed. :P the first book was "I Am Not, but, I Know I am" by Louie Giglio. good book, I got it from my mentor last year, it basically tells you that "I Am Nots" (people) are essentially not. but with "I Am" (God) we actually have something worth something. That's probably the worst book summary that I've ever given, it's way more complicated and insightful than that, It's all in my head, it's just not coming out right, haha. Second book is "Brisingr", the third book in the Inheritance cycle my Christopher Paolini. Love the book, and I'm not even going to attempt to explain it because it's the third book of the series and it's over 700 pages. I do recommend it though, Read it!!! it's superb! (is you like fantasy-ish, fiction, adventure books. ex, sword fights, magic and dragon riders and possibly a corrupt king and a shade or two). Books I Plan or reading this summer include Merely Christian by CS Lewis, the Narnia series, also by CS Lewis, the final 3 books of the Harry potter series, The Elements of Moral Philosophy my James Rachels and Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, along with 27 others. I said I had a lot I wanted to read!!

I was planning on starting Piano again this summer or maybe trying Guitar, but that will have to wait until later, I have no time.

ok, that's my summer so far! I'll write more when something happens... oh! went to the movies today with Ashley, Kurt and Stefan and watched Prince of Persia. It was ok, but I didn't like Jake Gyllenhal (don't know how to spell it) for the part. Loved Iron Man 2 though! so good!

ps. I've only had 2 or 3 Slurpees in the month and a half that I've been home, a little ashamed of myself actually. going to Prom tomorrow and speaking in Church on the 6th. there! now caught up to date!

Joy or Happiness?

What is the difference between joy and happiness?

Joy is often defined as "feelings of great happiness or pleasure". I guess that's true to an extent but I think that Joy is something more that just heightened feelings of pleasure. I think that someone can be Joyful even if they aren't happy at all and having the worst time of their life. Joy has to be something that goes to the very inner core of a person's being.

Happiness is a more commonly looked into subject than Joy i've found. I think that that might be because Joy is such a complicated concept although it seems so simple.
"True happiness is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose." - Helen Keller
This definition of happiness brings about another problem though, what is "true" Joy and "true" happiness. at a first glance I wanted to say that "true" joy is joy, plain and simple. and the concept of "true" happiness is Joy. not so simple. I think that Joy and happiness may be an example of those types of words that we have taken and through using them too commonly have altered their meanings. A common example is Love. although it is hard to define as well, Love has been taken and used for all sorts of purposes:
-A man Loves his Wife.
-A man Loves his parents.
-A man Loves playing basketball.
-A man Loves a Cheeseburger.

Love is the word that we use all the time, It's easy to just throw into a sentence. We say "Love" but we don't actually mean it:

-A man intimately LOVES hie Wife
-A man Loves (honours, respects, cares for) his parents
-A man enjoys (takes delight in) playing basketball
-A man enjoys the and takes pleasure in enjoying the grilled American delicacy that is the Cheeseburger. :)

There are four areas that a person can be in concerning happiness and Joy:

1. Joy but no happiness

2. Happiness but no Joy

3. Joy and happiness together

4. neither Joy or happiness are present.

I'm reluctant to say that happiness is the outward expression of Joy, but in a sense, it works. I believe that happiness can be faked, Joy can't be faked.

Many people will say that Joy can only come from God, but I'm not entirely sure that that's true. I do believe that Joy can be given directly from the Lord and we can become joyful because of the spiritual connection we feel as we worship God. but I also think that this can be achieved in other ways. for example, I love to serve others and make others smile. Often I will put on a happy face when I am in public even when I'm not in the slightest feeling happy or even Joyful for that matter. In this case I would say that I am "happy but noy Joyful". because I am forcing myself to be happy although there is a lack of Joy inside of me to back it up. Putting on this happy face does actually bring me Joy in a lot of cases. people see how I am acting and I've often heard people say that my "joy" is a blessing to them. (this then does bring me actual Joy). although people are a huge part of my theology in this example it is less relevant in this example. I think that my Joy was received from the gratification that I was being a blessing to others. It could be argued though that because people are such a huge part of my theology God is useing them to bless me through the passions that he has given me.

This post isn't finished, I'll continue once I've had some more time to reflect.

Looking Deeper into Myself

Ok, I know it sounds like total teen angst, but I feel a little bit like nobody understands me. (I told ya!) I talk with people about what's going on in my life and they say stuff like, "oh yeah, I've been there!" or "yeah, I get it". but really, how is that possible? we're not the same person and don'texperience things the same way. I think one of the problems that I have is failing to see the effort that people put in to try to relate.

I think I think another big part of the problem that I'm having is that I don't really understand myself. that's probably what this blog is going to be, a journey for me to find myself. I know I'm in there somewhere, I just have to figure out who I am. OR maybe that's just the point. maybe I'm not supposed to be able to figure out who I am. True, it would be way more convienient for me because then I'd know where I'm going and what I'm called to do in this life, but then where's the fun in that? where's the mystery and excitement?

I should probably start out by laying down some fundamental facts about myself.

1. First, I'm a Christian. I'm working through this day by day and it feels like the better I get at it (if that's even possible) the harder it becomes. I'm currently in Bible College and I think I really am enjoying it. I feel like I'm learning so much about God. The trouble is just being with God.
2. I really love people. (I think). I'll explain that a little bit. I love people in the Christian sense that I'm obligated to love and to show to others the actions associated with love but I feel like I wear out with others faster than most people. the problem is that people see me as extremely extroverted and I do think that I have a gift to be able to reach into people's lives just by being joyful in their presence. I really feel blessed in that way but I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to be myself. If I'm having a bad day people make a huge deal about how weird I'm acting. I can't say that this is true for everybody but it definitely is for some. I do get those people who genuinely care and do come alongside me in my time of need. which brings me to my next point
3. Lately I feel like my people skills are changing from being majorly inclusive to more personal one-on-one type skills. I love it but it is so much harder to show people my maturity unless I am in a deep personal conversation. I've learned so much about these skills/gifts over the last three weeks, though they've been very challenging. I'v learned to rebuke and be rebuked in righteousness. It's really tough to take it but in this case, at least for me it is even harder to give it. I have a hard time confronting people sometimes and I definitely dislike being mean or harsh. now I see that there is a time for it and that sometimes people need that push in the right direction, I know I have.
4. I believe in mentoring. this goes hand in hand with the previous point. This last semester I've learned to be mentored and how to mentor those my age and even some who are older. It's a teriffic experience and I know that those who I call mentors have gotten me through a lot of difficult times when I've needed them.
5. I believe that some things are better left undefined. There are lots of things that I know that we as people need to be able to partially wrap our minds around, but there are those things that we will never be able to define, and if you think you have, look again. finding the definition, real definitions to basic essential ideas of humanity is often impossible but the journey and the chase is what is so rewarding and what really counts. Some of these things that I'm talking about are God, Love, Peace, Shalom, Discipline, Joy, The Difference between Joy and Happiness...etc. yes, there are set definitions for all of these, but do they really encompass the whole concept. are you really satisfied with the answer you've been given by Webster, Oxford or Eerdman?

There are a lot more things that I believe and In the future I will probably type more of them up
When I was talking to one of the people that I have come to call a mentor (an older student here at school) I expressed an idea or i guess concept that I had formulated to be part of my theology. I had said that I believe that we as people are made in the image of God. true? I believe it. I continued to say that there is always a constant struggle for us to know ourselves. There is also another struggle to know who God is. All of these ideas I believe to be generally true. from these statement I concluded that to get to know God better we have to learn about ourselves, since we bear his image. and to get to know ourselves better we have to learn about God because we are made in his image. But so is everybody else. so... To get to know God I think we can read our Bibles with a proper hermeneutic and in community but we can also learn about God by getting to know others. I also am a big believer in experiencing God thorough non-human creation. (for me personally it's trees. I'm 19 and I could spend everyday swinging in and climbing all around trees. I think God delights in that though, doesn't God delight in everything we do to use the creation that he's given to use as long as we aren't abusing it? I guess this leads to a "pursuit of excellence" discussion like I've been learning about in Ethical Reasoning lately.) continuing on... I see a bit of a construed web between God and people, people and others, people and creation and God and creation. (Isn't that basically the definition of Shalom? what God desires for all of Humanity?) My "mentor" said that what I was saying sounded roughly like the idea of "othering" (which i still have to look up). what I understood was that the idea is to get to know God and ourselves through getting to know others, others who bear his image.
My basic thoughts for now:
I'm tired of being labeled. I try so hard not to label others to the point that it physically wears me out. I'm sick of being a silly little kid who walks like a dinosaur. (one day I was being silly and somehow the idea to walk like a dinosaur came up. I apparently was really really good at it and honestly it was a litte fun to do so I would sometimes walk around dorms like that. sadly I got a label and a reputation that skewed up views of me. I've learned that when people that you are silly they tend to disregard anything of merit that you might say)
This blog is not meant to be a pity party, It's to help me write down my thoughts. here I can lay down my raw emotions and thoughts and just be real. It truely does feel so good.